Breastfeeding Relationship Struggles: A Note from Bethany
One of the most important things I have learned doing in-home breastfeeding support is that feeding struggles rarely stay between a mama and her baby. Breastfeeding relationship struggles come up in almost every difficult feeding situation I walk into, and I have wanted a thoughtful, licensed voice on this topic for a long time. MacKenzie Sering, LCSW, at Rooted Vitality works with perinatal and postpartum families in individual and couples therapy. This post is one I wish every family could read before the hard nights even start.
When Feeding Becomes a Relationship Issue
Feeding your baby can be one of the most beautiful and intimate parts of early parenthood. And one of the most stressful. When breastfeeding isn’t going according to plan, it doesn’t always stay between you and your baby. It can start affecting sleep, division of labor, communication, emotions, intimacy and your relationship with your partner.
Sometimes the problem isn’t that your partner doesn’t care. It’s that they don’t understand what you’re experiencing.
Why Feeding Struggles Can Put So Much Pressure on a Relationship
Breastfeeding doesn’t happen in a vacuum.
It can affect so many different parts of your life.
Sleep and nighttime responsibilities. Physical recovery and pain. Milk supply concerns, feeding frequency and baby’s weight. Feelings of responsibility and the ability to leave the house. Pumping and household chores.
When one parent is physically responsible for feeding, the other parent can sometimes struggle to understand just how truly consuming it can all be.
It’s Not Always About Breastfeeding
It might seem like it’s about feeding as that’s what is prompting the conversation, but often there’s something underneath the feeding issue. One partner may be saying, “you don’t understand how hard this is,” while the other is hearing, “you’re not doing enough.”
The underlying emotional needs are really:
“I need you to see how exhausted I am.” “I need to feel supported.” “I need you to just notice what needs to be done.” “I need reassurance that I am doing enough and that we are a team.”
If you’re noticing postpartum stress is creating ongoing conflict or disconnection, like ships passing in the night, couples therapy can provide a space to work through those challenges and changes together.
Why “You don’t Get It” Can Become Resentment
We think it starts with “you don’t get it”, but here is where it really starts:
Feeding is difficult. . .parent(s) feel overwhelmed . . .partner doesn’t respond how they had hoped. . . parent(s) feel alone. . .resentment builds. . .communication feels like criticism. . .defensiveness grows. . .parent(s) feel disconnected
Defensiveness and disconnection aren’t the intent. You didn’t want this to happen or even wish for it to happen. Resentment though, often grows in the space between what we need and what we haven’t been able to communicate.
Things Your Breastfeeding Partner May Wish You Understood
- “I’m not just sitting down to feed the baby.” It’s the mental and physical load. The tracking, the potential pain (Bethany can help with this!), the time it takes away from other tasks and things. The list could go on.
- “When I say exhausted, I really mean exhausted.” When feeding happens around the clock is always on your mind. Everything about feeding consumes you and is truly exhausting.
- “I don’t always want you to fix it or find a solution.” Validation, understanding and a listening ear sometimes IS the solution. Problem-solving mode immediately can quickly turn into “I don’t feel heard.”
- “I need you to be on my team.” There might not be complete agreement with every decision around feeding, but approaching decisions collaboratively and asking questions like, “tell me more about what you’re thinking” can be a great start in connection.
What the Non-Breastfeeding Partner May Be Feeling, too
There’s a flip side here- your partner may be struggling, too.
Feeling helpless and excluded with thoughts like, “what do I do or how do I fit into this picture now?” Rejection. Worry about the baby and YOU. Sleep deprivation from worry or the baby. Frustration that this doesn’t seem as easy as it once was or that the picture of what feeding was going to look like doesn’t seem to be coming to fruition.
How Couples Can Communicate Differently
Stop guessing what your partner needs. Instead, ask.
“Do you want comfort, help or solutions” “What would feel good right now?” “I can see that you’re worried. What would help you feel supported right now?”
While this is an ideal way to support your breastfeeding partner, some of these questions can be difficult to think about in the moment or be different than how you normally operate. Individual therapy is a really good way to help explore historical patterns of communication and develop new patterns of communication.
When Feeding Becomes a Mental Health Concern
There is a difference between tough seasons and needing additional support. It can be common and sometimes natural to wonder if your baby got enough milk or feel slightly irritable that you must stop what you’re doing to feed your baby.
But, if you’re feeling:
Persistent guilt Dread that consumes you surrounding feeds Thoughts like “I’m failing/a failure” or “I can’t do this” Anxiety or thoughts that seem to run in a loop in your head about feeding Constant checking or tracking Disconnection from your baby An inability to get any sort of rest or sleep Significant anger or rage Conflict escalating Frequent crying
It’s time to find some additional support. These are all “things” that are likely impacting your day-to-day functioning. I support individuals needing perinatal and postpartum therapy. And, you don’t have to experience this alone or wait until your relationship feels like it’s falling apart. Couples therapy can help too. Sometimes you simply need a place to slow down, understanding what’s happening individually or together as a couple and learn how to work through this new season.
Your Baby Needs a Supported Parent, Not a Perfect One
Feeding your baby doesn’t have to become a measure of how well you’re parenting. And struggling with feeding doesn’t mean you or your relationship is failing.
Sometimes you simply need more support, better or different communication and someone else in your corner.
Lactation support helps families navigate feeding. Therapy helps families navigate what the transition is doing to them and their relationships. Sometimes families need both.
And, we are here to be that support.
About MacKenzie Sering, LCSW
MacKenzie Sering is a licensed therapist and the owner of Rooted Vitality, a private mental health practice. She has advanced training in perinatal and postpartum mental health and helps men, women and couples find connection within the chaos of parenthood. She believes that while it feels hard now, it doesn’t always have to feel hard.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why does breastfeeding cause so much stress in relationships?
Breastfeeding can affect every aspect of life — sleep, physical recovery, mental load, intimacy and household labor. When one partner feels overwhelmed and the other feels unsure how to help, stress can quickly turn into resentment or conflict. Often, the issue isn’t breastfeeding, but the feeling like you’re navigating the demands of new parenthood alone.
How can I support my partner who is struggling?
Start by asking what kind of support they need rather than assuming. Sometimes it’s practical, solution focused help, like handling the baby after feeding or preparing dinner. Other times, they may need you to listen and acknowledge how hard things feel. Learning about breastfeeding and attending lactation appointments can also help you feel more like a team.
When should new parents consider therapy?
You don’t have to wait until your relationship is in crisis to seek support! If you’re having the same arguments repeatedly, feeling increasingly disconnected or resentful, struggling to communicate or finding that feeding and parenting disagreements are affecting your relationship, it’s time to consider therapy. Sometimes the most helpful approach is having additional support.