A Note from Bethany
Every mama I work with comes to me because something about feeding is not going the way she hoped. The latch hurts. The baby is not gaining the way the chart says she should. Something feels off and nobody has been able to name it yet.
But here is what I have noticed over and over in my work: the feeding struggle is almost never just about feeding.
By the time most mamas call me, they have been carrying this alone for weeks. They have been Googling at 3am, trying every tip they found in a Facebook group, and quietly wondering whether the problem is them. The pain is physical. But the weight of it, the guilt, the self-doubt, the way it starts to color everything about the postpartum season, that part is not something a better latch can fix on its own.
As a Speech Language Pathologist and Certified Breastfeeding Counselor, I can look inside your baby’s mouth and tell you what is happening mechanically. What I cannot always do in a single home visit is address everything feeding brings up emotionally. That is where MacKenzie Sering comes in. She is a licensed therapist who works with parents and couples during the perinatal and postpartum seasons, and she understands the emotional landscape of early parenthood in a way that makes her the person I most wanted to have this conversation with.
We put this together because parents deserve both. Physical support and emotional support, in the same space, without having to choose.
So consider this an honest conversation from two people who are in it with you, one who will look at how your baby feeds, and one who will help you process what the experience is doing to you.
Because if you are struggling, it does not mean you are failing. It means you are in the thick of something real, and you deserve real support.
When you hear the phrase “you’re not failing, you’re figuring it out,” what does that mean in your work, and why did it feel like the right title for this?
MacKenzie: Often, I find myself saying “this is just a season.” Whether an expected “season” or not, life always has a way of giving us seasons. There are many seasons that we go through in life that are really hard. Some even feel impossible to navigate while we are in them. These, in particular, have a funny way of tricking us to think that we are failing or coming up short. However, like seasons, things always change, shift and pivot. I like to think about the hard seasons as road maps too, a framework or “map” for the inevitable hard season we will face again. It won’t always be the same path, but a guide for us to figure it out. Hence, you’re not failing, you’re figuring it out.
Bethany: So much of what I do starts with a mama who has been trying to figure it out alone for weeks. She has been on YouTube, in Facebook groups, reading articles at 3am. She has tried the teas, the supplements, the different holds. And by the time she calls me, she is not just tired. She is convinced she is the problem.
The hardest part of my job is not the feeding assessment. It is that moment at the beginning of every visit when I help a mama understand that the struggle she is in is not evidence that she is failing. It is evidence that something needs to be found and addressed. There is a real difference between those two things, and getting to that distinction early changes everything about how we work together.
How can a mom tell the difference between normal new-baby exhaustion and something like postpartum anxiety that needs real support?
MacKenzie: Things that are natural and common in new-baby exhaustion tend to be sleeplessness, slight worry about making sure baby is gaining weight and eating well, wondering how to “do life” now that there’s a human to keep alive. It can also be common to experience some relationship challenges like miscommunication, missing one another and some snappiness at times.
When things start to feel a bit more pervasive and consuming, we become a little more concerned. Feelings of persistent guilt, sadness and dread; worry that doesn’t stop and feels like a loop or hamster wheel in your brain. Near constant checking, tracking, note taking or Googling “is X normal?” Not being able to get to sleep or rest when given the opportunity. Uncomfortable thoughts showing up like “I’m failing/a failure” or “If I do X, then [usually ‘bad thing’] will happen.” Conflict that only continues to escalate or thinking that no one (including your partner) can take care of your baby as well as you can.
Whether “normal” or not, therapy for exhaustion and postpartum anxiety can be really beneficial. We always talk about needing a community and community can look like extra support from a licensed therapist too!
Bethany: From a feeding standpoint, some difficulty in the early days is expected. Learning to breastfeed is a skill for both mama and baby, and the first week or two can involve soreness, uncertainty, and a lot of adjusting.
The point where I want a mama to reach out is when pain is not improving past the first two weeks, when her baby seems to work very hard at every feeding but comes off unsatisfied, when something clicks or pops during nursing, when weight gain is slow, or when her gut keeps telling her that something is not adding up. That gut feeling is data. A mama who is worried enough to Google “is this normal” twelve times a day deserves a real answer, not a forum thread.
What does “showing up for everyone else” cost a new mom emotionally, and how do you help her find herself again in the middle of it?
MacKenzie: She becomes the default person. Everyone’s person except her own. Her identity starts to blur, struggling to answer, “what do I need?” Resentment can start to build quietly and sometimes quickly. Not because she doesn’t care, but because it becomes emotionally exhausting. There can be a loss of friendships, hobbies, spontaneity and even simple preferences like how to spend an afternoon.
The goal isn’t getting back to herself, but rather who she is now. Motherhood does change her. We start by looking at the here and now, while also acknowledging the grief that comes with a change of season (even if a wanted change). It starts small. Identifying a need or want without explaining it away, justifying it or apologizing for having a need or want. Sometimes it looks like reconnecting with our body, creating boundaries or setting aside 5 to 10 minutes to do something or nothing.
Being cared for is part of the work. Rest, support and attention don’t have to be earned by reaching complete exhaustion first. Nor do they have to be earned at all. Reconnecting with herself can make it easier to show up in relationships that matter most.
Bethany: What it costs emotionally is more than people talk about. There is grief in it, especially when the picture she had of nursing her baby does not match what is actually happening. There is guilt that runs deep, because our culture ties feeding choices to identity and worth in ways that are genuinely unfair.
There is also isolation. A mama who is struggling with feeding often feels like she cannot talk about it because people will either minimize it or immediately suggest formula, and neither of those feels like being heard. She needs someone who will sit with her in the complexity of it, not someone who wants to wrap it up quickly.
What’s one thing you wish every new mom heard from a therapist in her first few weeks postpartum?
MacKenzie: This sounds counterintuitive, but I wish every new mom heard, “this is hard!” It can be easy for us, especially in new motherhood, to minimize our experience and explain it away or trudge through. Both of which usually make us feel worse. I wish more people acknowledged the depth of the change, how multifaceted it can be and showed up to listen and validate rather than give advice, offer solutions or compare their experience. Because, after all, you’re now in charge of keeping a human alive and wow, it can be really hard!
Bethany: Pain is not a rite of passage. That is the one I wish every new mama heard from a lactation specialist in those early days.
So many mamas have been told that breastfeeding hurts at the beginning and they just have to push through. Some tenderness in the very first days is common. But pain that makes you hold your breath, pain that makes you dread the next feeding, nipples that come out flattened or creased after a nursing session, none of that is something to accept silently. That kind of pain is information. It is telling us that something needs to be looked at.
What’s a small, doable first step for a mom who knows something feels off but isn’t ready for a full appointment yet?
MacKenzie: I think one of the smallest steps is Googling therapists near you that have advanced training in perinatal and postpartum mental health. Reach out for a free consultation with me. Knowing the resources available can help with not feeling so alone. Other steps that can be helpful include joining an online support group (Postpartum Support International has a whole host of free online support groups), sharing with a trusted friend or your partner that things don’t feel quite right, or even mentioning to your doctor that you’re interested in additional support.
Bethany: Download Why Does Feeding Feel so Hard and spend five minutes with it. It walks through many of the problems you might be facing, from clogged ducts and mastitis to a possible tongue-tie, and it often gives a mama language for something she has been sensing but could not name.
From there, reaching out for a free consult is the next step. There is no commitment in a consult. It is just a conversation where we figure out together whether a full assessment makes sense.
Where do feeding struggles and mental health struggles overlap more than people realize?
MacKenzie: They overlap in several ways. The first that comes to mind is the grief that can be felt if your feeding journey isn’t going the way that you planned or pictured. There also seems to be a quiet pressure to “get it right” and when it doesn’t go as planned, it can feel like a personal failure or amplify anxiety. Even though intellectually we know a fed baby is best, there’s an emotional experience that can feel like “I’m not doing this right and my body is failing.” Not to mention the immense mental load, unintentional comparison to other’s feeding journeys, sleep deprivation, loss of autonomy and being in a near constant stress response, pain, uncertainty, frequent feeding or pumping, supplementing or supply concerns. The overlap is constant.
Bethany: Constantly. A mama who is not sleeping because she is triple feeding, who is in pain at every nursing session, who is tracking every wet and dirty diaper in an app, logging how long baby fed on both sides, recording every ounce pumped, and has bought her own scale to weigh her baby at home because it feels like the only thing she can control right now, is a mama whose nervous system is under enormous strain. That is not a mental health problem separate from the feeding problem. They are the same problem showing up in two different places.
The feeding assessment I do is clinical and specific. But I always leave time to ask how a mama is actually doing, not just how the baby is doing. The two are connected in ways that show up in the room whether we name them or not.
If you could each tell every exhausted new mom just one thing, what would it be?
MacKenzie: Take it one day at a time. And, if that even feels like too much, take it hour by hour. This is a season and support is available. You don’t have to white knuckle motherhood or do it alone.
Bethany: You were not meant to figure this out alone. Not the feeding, not the relationship changes, not the identity shift, not any of it. Support exists. You deserve to use it before things get harder, not after.
What’s the first small step you’d want a mom reading this to take today, before she even closes the tab?
MacKenzie: Pause and ask yourself, “what do I need right now?” Not, “what’s the next thing to do?” or “what does the baby need?” But “what do I need?”
Maybe it’s a snack or a shower. Ten minutes alone or someone to hold the baby even if that “someone” is the crib or bassinet. Or maybe you genuinely don’t know and that’s okay. Not knowing is information too. Notice your answer, and if you can, tell a safe person what you need. Reconnecting with who you are now often begins with learning to hear yourself again.
You don’t have to wait until you’re falling apart to deserve support. Reach out. I’ll always be rooting for you.
Bethany: Text one person and tell them one true thing about how feeding is going. Not the polished version. The real one. Whether that person is your partner, a trusted friend, or someone in an online community who gets it, saying it out loud is the beginning of not carrying it alone.
And if you are ready to go a step further, I am here.
We are rooting for you,
Mackenzie & Bethany
About MacKenzie Sering, LCSW
MacKenzie Sering is a licensed therapist and the owner of Rooted Vitality, a private mental health practice. She has advanced training in perinatal and postpartum mental health and helps men, women and couples find connection within the chaos of parenthood. She believes that while it feels hard now, it doesn’t always have to feel hard. Her office is physically located in Danville, but she also offers virtual services statewide.
About Bethany Lovern
Bethany Lovern is a Speech Language Pathologist with a master’s degree and a Certified Breastfeeding Counselor. She provides in-home breastfeeding support, tongue-tie evaluation, and oral motor feeding assessments for families in Brownsburg, Avon, Plainfield, Zionsville, Danville, and the westside of Indianapolis.
Website: bethanylovern.com